Birth from your Rectum!

As a little kid I would never fail to pick up inappropriate words and use them in ways adults would understand but feel resigned to let go. This story is a true testament to my outrageous sense of humor as a little kid.

Once upon a time I got furiously mad at my parents for embarrassing me in front of their friends. I found myself in that strange frame of mind where all revenge is sweet and possible, just like the fruits of a tree.

I needed a clever way to embarrass them back so I thought to make use of the peach tree we have at our orchard. When guests would visit our place for the first time, my father would proudly serve them the fruits of that tree's labors. Without exception, I noticed, everyone would comment how delicious and aromatic those fruits were. And what a nice texture they had but little did they know why!

When my parents would excuse themselves to prepare dinner, the guests would shift their full attention to me and try to be nice to me although they had just heard from my parents what a prankster and little devil I was and all that embarrassing stuff.

That was the moment I was waiting for.

"Did you know who actually planted the peach tree?", I would innocently ask.

"Who?", they will ask back feigning surprise thinking it must have been my father.

"I did!", I'd shout back. "Let me show you"

You don't need to be a prodigy to know how gullible adults are when it comes to showing them something you have done all by yourself and you are so proud of. They will never say no.

"Here it is", I would point to the tree. "They taught us at school how to make trees nature's way."

"That's nice, so how did you do it?", they would ask back unsuspectingly.

"That was easy. I had just eaten a few peaches my father brought from the market. One of them was so small I ate the seed too. I would later go out and dig a little hole with my toy shovel, take my pants off and poo poo into the hole. I would cover it up and after that I would water it every day or pee into it to help nature do its work faster"

As I finished my sentence, an awkward smile would appear on their face.

"That's right. Why did you think the peach crap you just ate tasted so well? They all came from my ass!", I would say and laugh.

That's when all smile on the guests' face would suddenly disappear...

Changing into a serious face, I would finish them off,

"You know, we were told all about Birth from your Rectum at school, that it's nature's way of growing seeds into trees with the help of humans. I didn't know what a rectum was so I looked it up online and found out some people call it 'Anal Birth'. Don't you know? It's so cool! You should try it at your backyard too one day"

After my father beat the shit out of me that day, he told me to never go anywhere close to that tree again.

I didn't mind. My revenge had worked and there were so many other trees in our orchard.

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