Meet Da Pirates

Finally, some 'smart' pirates over in Somalia have bought laptops and an internet connection and are reading JackSparrow on the loo! Finally, they are following JackSparrow's advice to dress better in order to make the world more sympathetic to their plight. But instead of picking Hollywood to do their PR as I advised, those fools chose the White House. They got so afraid The Bro in Da Houz would tax them, they dressed up and rushed to negotiate lower taxes on their bounty. I can almost hear this Somali pirambassador asking Obama, "Arrr...Don't tax me bro and I'll hook to the law." You never know with a pirate if he means The Law of the Sea or the Law of Pirasea but The Bro knows very well what he is up to!

Those Somali pirates are letting me down. I suggested they meet with the head of Warner Bros in Hollywood and they are meeting with The Bro in Da Houz? They think they can discuss maritime strategy with him and win him over?? Fools! BarRRAck will wench you hooks down before you can say aRrrrrrr..igato. The Bro in Da Houz is not a Bush Walker, what on earth do these Somalis think they're doing meeting The Bro in full costume, without preconditions and without my knowledge and permission??

The Bro in Da Houz is a transformative President you fools, if not a Transformer himself. He already got a dog for his daughters and a bloodhound parrot to help him regulate pirasea. You fools, he'll make you repeat after him and have you sing Arr N B like no pirate ever did. Before you know it, you'll find yourselves staging ballet shows on Broadway to highlight your plight with elegance and gay finesse. The Bro will have successfully transformed you into the entertainment trouperie of So Ma Lee.

No offense to gay people, ballet enthusiasts or parrot lovers, but for a Somali pirate, dancing ballet on the mast will be the only strategy Obama's parrot will agree to not regulate. It might be the only skill they'll ever practice trying to confuse navy seals into thinking they have the wrong ship on tarRRRget. You fools, do you have the slightest idea how good you mast learn how to dance in order to save your aRrrrrse from US navy seals who are so well trained at shooting pirates in the eye from a distance? Why do you think pirates cover their eyes with a black patch, you fools you think it's just Halloween huh...

Yarr, I will be so worried if I learn that this Somali pirambassador accepts a parrot as a gift from Obama. After the Queen got an Ipod and a hug, the minimum I will advise to accept from the Bro is The Black PeaRrrrl and the geaRrrl.

I am so worried about these Somali Pirates. Their days will soon be over after this meeting. May it be some solace to a pirate's heart that JackSparrow will still talk to them from the loo. With so much black bounty yet to be taxed, Obama asked me, in secret, to intervene. Everyone knows JackSparrow is a generous man and will not let the pirates down...yarrr yarrr, yes JackSparrow will use the bounty to train the next generation of So Ma Lee para-troupers in the Caribbean camps before he sends them to Hollywood for casting on his next big hit!

Next time I am asked to lobby The Bro in Da White House on behalf of World Wide Pirasea, I will expect a very generous retainer though. When a President has a good sense of humor, it's hard to outsmart him unless you are Da Real JackSparrow he is dealing with...

And that my fellow Somali pirates, in case you were thinking you can get away with some ballet on the mast, won't happen until you shake that booty.

JackSparrow's services are must-worthy and they will cost you more than a cheap pirate's costume and a photo opp with Obama.

You bet!

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