Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl...

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President Swap

Hello America. This is Europe calling. Congratulations for your new President! Better days are ahead for you. How about we swap Presidents with you for a year? It'll be like a student exchange, an erasmus study abroad thing or a library book loan. We'll return him to you. It's a good deal for us because so long as we don't have to vote for him it's the only way we can ever have any kind of non-White President here. Don't worry, we'll dress him well Benetton style using the old maverick beauty of European Democracy. As always, we'll let America take the wheel while we sit comfortably in the back seat. Yes we can...Swap. Old European farts!

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"Blackberry Denied"

Mister President, how are we going to break it to the people? I mean it's going to do one hell of a thing to your image. You can't buy this malarkey. Imagine commercials exploiting this in foreign countries showing their leaders calling you from their flashy red Blackberries. Silvio's with the Ferrari logo on it and Sarkozy's with the Carla-Bruni-singing ringtone. The Kim Jong ills, the Chavezes and Ahmadinejads having theirs designed to look like a missile. Damn it, Mister President. I've been warning for years that we're still riddled with traitors. With your permission I'd like to call the boys in CONCOM :P

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Why the China man won't spend

SunTzu said: If the enemy is weak because he overspent, don't overspend or you'll become weak too. Said it but didn't write it.

SunTzu then said and wrote: "All warfare is based on deception...If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles"

The world hopes the Chinese and the other Asians will spend the West out of recession. Ok, here is why if you read SunTzu you know this will never happen.

The Chinese know themselves. They like to save. They look at the West and they see that it overspent and is in trouble. What's the lesson they get?

Stick to saving. Don't do what your rival did and got him in trouble. Just give the appearance you might in the form of big government spending plans.

How deception works. The government announces big spending plans and the world thinks the Chinese man will suddenly start spending. But the Chinese man will not do that because he knows it will get him into same trouble as the Western man.

He remembers Sun Tzu and decides to save a big portion of the money in order to buy the enemy later and win the battle without a fight.

Sun Tzu said: He who hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer.

Time to read Sun Tzu from the Chinese man's point of view!

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Thrust the Crust. Close this African/European Gap!

Just a silly thought. We know that the African tectonic plate is inexorably heading north, swallowing southern Europe in the process. To geographically unite Europe and Africa will take thousands of years and perhaps many more devastating earthquakes. What if we could speed up the process with sex? For a month, we get all countries in South Europe and Africa to exchange their female and gay populations for the purpose of engaging in hardcore sex. The only condition will be that the Europeans thrust from north to south and the Africans and Arabs thrust south to north. The goal will be to make love in the direction of the tectonic plates!!

Just an idea to bring Europe and Africa together faster. They are moving closer anyway. If you are happy with the current rate of 4 millimeters every year you don't have to participate but if you like to increase the speed by a few millimeters you can join the people's movement for faster unity between the continents :P

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Contact lenses protect eyes from smoke

This thought was posted on Thinkaloo on 27 February 2008 by member melcia81

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Bars in Europe are filled with so much smoke that can make your eyes itch, red and full with tears if you stay too long. I always wear contact lenses when I go out and never had a problem with smoke. Last time I went out however I wore my glasses and within 20 minutes my eyes started to itch. Within the hour I had to leave with tears in my eyes. Next time you want to be touched by smoke in a smoke-filled bar, don't wear any contact lenses