Did you hear they make $150 million a year hijacking tankers and fish boats? My Jack Sparrow, that's a lot of money. The mistake they do is that they don't invest any money at all in pirate movies. A pirate gets bad publicity on the news and good publicity in the movies. All they have to do is invest a couple of million in Hollywood to make more pirate movies. That's it! Or hire costume consultants from Hollywood to dress them in traditional pirate attire. People will see them more sympathetically on the news this way. The rest of the money can stay buried under Somali sand :)
http://www.thinkaloo.com
Showing posts with label somalia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label somalia. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
How to cut down a pirate's pi/e/
The best way for companies and governments to recover the huge amounts of ransom money paid to Somali pirates is to use inter-pirate rivalry to get the money back piece by piece. Here's the real story first:
"Pirates seized the Sirius on November 15. A $3.5 million ransom payment, down from the initial demand of $25 million, was dropped by parachute onto the ship Friday, but the pirates delayed the vessel's release after the drownings. Other pirates on the shore wanted a tip from the pirates on the Sirius Star, so they started to fire in the air as our people approached the land"
Going from $25 million down to $3.5 million is great savings but $3.5 million is still Sirious money. Wanna have a pirate's pi and eat it too? Here's what you can do. This is a Sirius proposition after all.
You negotiate with a rival team of pirates to give them the $3 million and you keep the $500,000. You actually hire them and sign a contract with them. It's all about enticing them to really go after their own ilk. You give them immunity from any prosecution if they fetch you back the $500,000 they get to keep the $3 million which in effect has been money-laundered and can be used tax-free anywhere in the world! Or so you say to them anyway :P
But before they get to use the money and as soon as that first contract is signed, you immediately start negotiating with rival teams of pirates to steal the money from the pirates who held it last. As the process of signing successive contracts and watering down the initial amount goes on, at some point you will have recovered the full original amount paid in ransom and in the process you will also have gotten rid off of most pirates.
I see no problem signing second-time and third-time watered-down contracts even with the same team of pirates if you run out of rivalries. I also see no problem agreeing to cover funeral expenses for any pirate losses incurred and sibling re-trainings in non-pirate activities. Somali funerals are cheap and sibling re-training in non-pirate activities means that spouses and kids will be taken off piracy!
Take it from a pirate. Deceit is the language they can understand. You better use it if you want to speak the same language and get your work done successfully and not put your men in harm's way :)
http://www.thinkaloo.com
"Pirates seized the Sirius on November 15. A $3.5 million ransom payment, down from the initial demand of $25 million, was dropped by parachute onto the ship Friday, but the pirates delayed the vessel's release after the drownings. Other pirates on the shore wanted a tip from the pirates on the Sirius Star, so they started to fire in the air as our people approached the land"
Going from $25 million down to $3.5 million is great savings but $3.5 million is still Sirious money. Wanna have a pirate's pi and eat it too? Here's what you can do. This is a Sirius proposition after all.
You negotiate with a rival team of pirates to give them the $3 million and you keep the $500,000. You actually hire them and sign a contract with them. It's all about enticing them to really go after their own ilk. You give them immunity from any prosecution if they fetch you back the $500,000 they get to keep the $3 million which in effect has been money-laundered and can be used tax-free anywhere in the world! Or so you say to them anyway :P
But before they get to use the money and as soon as that first contract is signed, you immediately start negotiating with rival teams of pirates to steal the money from the pirates who held it last. As the process of signing successive contracts and watering down the initial amount goes on, at some point you will have recovered the full original amount paid in ransom and in the process you will also have gotten rid off of most pirates.
I see no problem signing second-time and third-time watered-down contracts even with the same team of pirates if you run out of rivalries. I also see no problem agreeing to cover funeral expenses for any pirate losses incurred and sibling re-trainings in non-pirate activities. Somali funerals are cheap and sibling re-training in non-pirate activities means that spouses and kids will be taken off piracy!
Take it from a pirate. Deceit is the language they can understand. You better use it if you want to speak the same language and get your work done successfully and not put your men in harm's way :)
http://www.thinkaloo.com
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Meet Da Pirates
Finally, some 'smart' pirates over in Somalia have bought laptops and an internet connection and are reading JackSparrow on the loo! Finally, they are following JackSparrow's advice to dress better in order to make the world more sympathetic to their plight. But instead of picking Hollywood to do their PR as I advised, those fools chose the White House. They got so afraid The Bro in Da Houz would tax them, they dressed up and rushed to negotiate lower taxes on their bounty. I can almost hear this Somali pirambassador asking Obama, "Arrr...Don't tax me bro and I'll hook to the law." You never know with a pirate if he means The Law of the Sea or the Law of Pirasea but The Bro knows very well what he is up to!
Those Somali pirates are letting me down. I suggested they meet with the head of Warner Bros in Hollywood and they are meeting with The Bro in Da Houz? They think they can discuss maritime strategy with him and win him over?? Fools! BarRRAck will wench you hooks down before you can say aRrrrrrr..igato. The Bro in Da Houz is not a Bush Walker, what on earth do these Somalis think they're doing meeting The Bro in full costume, without preconditions and without my knowledge and permission??
The Bro in Da Houz is a transformative President you fools, if not a Transformer himself. He already got a dog for his daughters and a bloodhound parrot to help him regulate pirasea. You fools, he'll make you repeat after him and have you sing Arr N B like no pirate ever did. Before you know it, you'll find yourselves staging ballet shows on Broadway to highlight your plight with elegance and gay finesse. The Bro will have successfully transformed you into the entertainment trouperie of So Ma Lee.
No offense to gay people, ballet enthusiasts or parrot lovers, but for a Somali pirate, dancing ballet on the mast will be the only strategy Obama's parrot will agree to not regulate. It might be the only skill they'll ever practice trying to confuse navy seals into thinking they have the wrong ship on tarRRRget. You fools, do you have the slightest idea how good you mast learn how to dance in order to save your aRrrrrse from US navy seals who are so well trained at shooting pirates in the eye from a distance? Why do you think pirates cover their eyes with a black patch, you fools you think it's just Halloween huh...
Yarr, I will be so worried if I learn that this Somali pirambassador accepts a parrot as a gift from Obama. After the Queen got an Ipod and a hug, the minimum I will advise to accept from the Bro is The Black PeaRrrrl and the geaRrrl.
I am so worried about these Somali Pirates. Their days will soon be over after this meeting. May it be some solace to a pirate's heart that JackSparrow will still talk to them from the loo. With so much black bounty yet to be taxed, Obama asked me, in secret, to intervene. Everyone knows JackSparrow is a generous man and will not let the pirates down...yarrr yarrr, yes JackSparrow will use the bounty to train the next generation of So Ma Lee para-troupers in the Caribbean camps before he sends them to Hollywood for casting on his next big hit!
Next time I am asked to lobby The Bro in Da White House on behalf of World Wide Pirasea, I will expect a very generous retainer though. When a President has a good sense of humor, it's hard to outsmart him unless you are Da Real JackSparrow he is dealing with...
And that my fellow Somali pirates, in case you were thinking you can get away with some ballet on the mast, won't happen until you shake that booty.
JackSparrow's services are must-worthy and they will cost you more than a cheap pirate's costume and a photo opp with Obama.
You bet!
http://www.thinkaloo.com
Those Somali pirates are letting me down. I suggested they meet with the head of Warner Bros in Hollywood and they are meeting with The Bro in Da Houz? They think they can discuss maritime strategy with him and win him over?? Fools! BarRRAck will wench you hooks down before you can say aRrrrrrr..igato. The Bro in Da Houz is not a Bush Walker, what on earth do these Somalis think they're doing meeting The Bro in full costume, without preconditions and without my knowledge and permission??
The Bro in Da Houz is a transformative President you fools, if not a Transformer himself. He already got a dog for his daughters and a bloodhound parrot to help him regulate pirasea. You fools, he'll make you repeat after him and have you sing Arr N B like no pirate ever did. Before you know it, you'll find yourselves staging ballet shows on Broadway to highlight your plight with elegance and gay finesse. The Bro will have successfully transformed you into the entertainment trouperie of So Ma Lee.
No offense to gay people, ballet enthusiasts or parrot lovers, but for a Somali pirate, dancing ballet on the mast will be the only strategy Obama's parrot will agree to not regulate. It might be the only skill they'll ever practice trying to confuse navy seals into thinking they have the wrong ship on tarRRRget. You fools, do you have the slightest idea how good you mast learn how to dance in order to save your aRrrrrse from US navy seals who are so well trained at shooting pirates in the eye from a distance? Why do you think pirates cover their eyes with a black patch, you fools you think it's just Halloween huh...
Yarr, I will be so worried if I learn that this Somali pirambassador accepts a parrot as a gift from Obama. After the Queen got an Ipod and a hug, the minimum I will advise to accept from the Bro is The Black PeaRrrrl and the geaRrrl.
I am so worried about these Somali Pirates. Their days will soon be over after this meeting. May it be some solace to a pirate's heart that JackSparrow will still talk to them from the loo. With so much black bounty yet to be taxed, Obama asked me, in secret, to intervene. Everyone knows JackSparrow is a generous man and will not let the pirates down...yarrr yarrr, yes JackSparrow will use the bounty to train the next generation of So Ma Lee para-troupers in the Caribbean camps before he sends them to Hollywood for casting on his next big hit!
Next time I am asked to lobby The Bro in Da White House on behalf of World Wide Pirasea, I will expect a very generous retainer though. When a President has a good sense of humor, it's hard to outsmart him unless you are Da Real JackSparrow he is dealing with...
And that my fellow Somali pirates, in case you were thinking you can get away with some ballet on the mast, won't happen until you shake that booty.
JackSparrow's services are must-worthy and they will cost you more than a cheap pirate's costume and a photo opp with Obama.
You bet!
http://www.thinkaloo.com
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